Mary our mother, being without sin

Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd:-

“He who is without sin, cast the first stone.”

Suddenly, a rock hits the back of his head.

Jesus turns and exclaims, “Mom!”

 

GAA in Heaven

Two old men, john and joe, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about GAA

John turns to Joe and asks, “Do you think there’s GAA in Heaven?” Joe thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s GAA in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.” They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Joe passes on. Soon afterward, John sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “John… John… .” John responds, “Joe! Is that you?” “Yes it is, john” whispers Joe’s ghost. J, still amazed, asks, “So, is there GAA in Heaven?” “Well,” says Joe “I’ve got good news and bad news.” “Gimme the good news first,” says John. Joe says, “Well, there is GAA in Heaven.” John says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?” Joe sighs and whispers, “You’re playing in goals on Friday.”

Brave Policemen

Three highly decorated police officers die in a wild shoot out with narcotics dealers and go to heaven.

God greets them and asks, “When you are laid out in your casket, and your fellow officers and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

The first cop says, “I would like to hear them say, that I was the bravest cop on the force.”

The second police officer says, “I would like to hear that I was a terrific cop who died in the line of duty.”

The last cop replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!”

Continually complaining??

A man walks into a monastery and says “I want to be monk.”

The abbot replies “Great! But you realise we are not allowed to talk except every ten years.”

The man replies “Fine.”

Ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office. The abbot asks, “Well my son what have you to say.

The man replies “Bed’s hard.”

The abbot remarks, “Is that it?”

The man says, “Yes”.

Another ten years go by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says, “Food stinks!”

The abbot asks, “Is that it?”

And the man says “Yes.”

Another ten years goes by and the man goes into the abbot’s office and says “Water’s cold. Thats it, I quit!”

And the abbot replies, “Well I’m not surprised, you haven’t stopped complaining since you got here!”

Fr. Albert

Fr. Albert

Author unknown

 

Father Albert often told us

that since freedom blessed our race,

We ought all to come together

and repair our meeting place.

 

Father Albert was very insightful

Told of times when Mass was in secret

It was a gift to have a church

Regularly set out in his weekly parish leaflet.

 

What laid ahead for our church

In the years to come, few knew

He stressed we had a duty to our children

And to those that went before us, too.

 

So little by little we pinched and scraped

Held fundraising events whereever possible

All of this done

With the intention of somewhere to share the Gospel

 

At last the works began,

With local trades men carrying out the work

It took some time to bring about

Father Albert would say, with a smirk

 

And, when the church was repaired,

Fr. Albert held a thanksgiving mass to pray;

He preached from the Altar,

That this was a wonderful day.

 

His voice rang like a trumpet;

His eyes looked bright and young;

And it seemed a mighty power,

Was preaching from his wonderful tongue.

 

And he gave us all his blessing –

‘Twas parting words that day,

For soon we got the message

our dear Priest was being moved away .

 

But we thank him for his guidance

For all the work he did do,

For we’ve now got a church

To regularly attend mass too;

 

‘We thank the Holy Spirit,

for all his guidance lovingly imparted

We thank the people of the parish and

indeed our Priest now departed.

 

Those works will bring many blessings,

To all the many people involved,

The parish will have a church for generations,

For Spiritual needs to be resolved.

 

We no longer have a fulltime Priest

Whatsmore, numbers have fallen attending mass

We are left with a wonderful church

The windows having the most beautiful glass.

 

I am glad that we followed

The words of Father Albert when we did,

As otherwise there would be no parish church,

to pass today onto my Kid

A mother’s death

The Corran Herald.

In memory of Mrs Maria
Regan, Carnacreeva, Keash, who
died 2 May 1939, by her son Michael Francis Regan.

 

A Mother’s death

The summer sun was shining,
’Twas in the month of May,
The birds were singing merrily
When mother passed away.

She left her friends and neighbours
And the paths she often trod
And went for evermore
Unto almighty God

’Twas on a Tuesday evening
I’ll never forget that day
When I last gazed on her sweet face
That’s now in cold, cold clay

I watched beside her dying bed
Not knowing death was near
I left and took a last farewell
Of one I held so dear

Next morning came the telegram
Which brought the sad news to me
That mother had departed
And gone to eternity

When I received that awful news
I read it over and over
’Twas hard for me to realise
That mother was no more

’Twas sad but true, what could I do
But bear a heavy loss
’Twas on a feast day, the third of May
The finding of the cross

It was the greatest trial

On earth I could endure
But death can never be escaped
To meet it we are sure

 

She lived a good and holy life
She was resigned to die
To meet our blessed Lord
Upon his throne so high

I hope He will have mercy
On her immortal soul
And bring her eternal bliss
That truly-wished goal

She loved Our Blessed Lady
In life and death she came
And with her dying lips
Did often repeat that name

May Mary always plead for her
As in her month she died
And ask her loving son
The gates of Heaven to open wide

In Kilmorgan’s lonely churchyard
I know her body lies
I hope her soul is happy
In the land before the skies

Beside my father’s grave
She sleeps in sacred clay
Waiting for the trumpet call
Upon judgement day

Jesus’ sick leave policy

Idea for gathering church funds

Ideas for gathering Church funds!!!!!!!!

Clean Religious Jokes

The hand of God

Little Philip was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in infant school. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.

His grandmother commented, ‘Doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery?  Did you know God painted this just for you?’
‘Yes, ‘replied Philip, ‘God did it and he did it left handed.’

Philips Grandmother was curious as to this reply and asked Philip why he thought God painted this beauty with his left hand.

Philip replied, “Well God only has two hands and we were told in school this week that Jesus sits on Gods right hand”

Think of others

A large, well built man visited the local St. Vincent de Paul and asked to see the person in  charge, who was well known for her charity.

As he spoke to her he said in a voice breaking with emotion, ‘I’d like to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district.  The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving.  They are about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone pays their £400 rent arrears.’

‘How frightful!’ exclaimed the woman. ‘May I ask who you are?’

The visitor wiped his eyes with his handkerchief and wailed, ‘I’m their landlord.’